My Sobriety Journey

How conquering a soft addiction allowed me to live a more conscious life and maximize my potential

As I was looking for a topic to write about this month that was important to me and that I thought would connect with people, I started thinking about what trends I could see coming in 2025. I don’t know about you, but I’ve noticed a lot of people embracing the concept of “Dry January” in which they cut alcohol for the month. Maybe you’re one of them.

I think a lot of folks out there are “sober curious” to use another new phrase. There is data saying that the younger generations are not as interested in alcohol as the previous ones. 

I’m no expert on predicting the future popularity of alcohol. But I do think it’s time I shared my story.

30 years sober

My last drink was in February of 1994. I didn’t think that I had a problem with alcohol, and I did enjoy it. Later in my life I realized that my father was an alcoholic (a binge drinker) so I knew there was an inherent risk for me. My main challenge with drinking was that I used it as a way to deal with my feelings, or more accurately, not deal with them. 

During a work trip to Mexico, where I was hosted very well and over-served, I found myself feeling vulnerable and lonely. I was out with my host late one night, and he told me that I should have a wife in Mexico, and maybe a wife in Cuba as well like he did. Well, I already had a wife - Gertrude and I got married in 1990. But after two weeks in Mexico, and a number of Budweisers, it actually seemed like a good idea. He was going to introduce me to a beautiful young woman from the trade show we were attending, and was even going to take me to meet her parents. Seemed very rational at the time, but horrifying now! Thanks to God and my guardian angel that nothing happened. 

On my way home on the plane, I was praying to be snowed in and not make it back to Chicago. I had signed up for a retreat in Wisconsin for soft addictions and had broken the first rule. We were instructed not to drink 24 hours before the retreat started and I had broken that rule. The flight was not cancelled, and I decided not to say anything about my experience or about breaking the rule. This was all going into the vault. I participated in the retreat and said nothing. But on the way home, I told my wife the whole story about my temptation and my drinking, and I decided right then and there to give up alcohol. 

This February 23rd will mark my 31st year of sobriety, and I’m super proud of that. I never wanted to be hungover for my children, and wanted to be more present and “awake” as a father and husband. 

Dealing with your feelings

The term “soft addictions” was coined by Judith Wright who wrote about them in her book There Must Be More Than This from 2003.

Soft addictions can be habits, compulsive behaviors, or recurring moods or thought patterns. Their essential defining quality is that they satisfy a surface want but ignore or block the satisfaction of a deeper need. They numb us to feelings and spiritual awareness by substituting a superficial high, or a sense of activity, for genuine feeling or accomplishment.

What was behind my drinking? I was trying to numb my feelings. I didn’t know what to do with my fear or anger or sadness. I never had a good example of dealing responsibly with feelings. So alcohol was a way to forget a tough week of work. It was a way to hide how I was feeling. It was a way to delay being accountable for things in my life. If you’re not dealing with your feelings, and then drink alcohol, feelings tend to come out in bad ways, I can tell you that much. 

It took a lot of work on myself to come to terms with how drinking was affecting me and my life. I started therapy, personal coaching, and mentoring to help get myself back on the right path, one that would benefit me instead of limiting my potential. I learned more about my feelings, began to identify them and accept them, and I built the muscle of awareness. Awareness and acceptance were the keys to giving me choice and taking control of my life. The funny thing about drinking is that people give you a pass for your terrible behavior. I would be an asshole the night before, and people would laugh the next day and say “Oh you were just drunk.” Yes, I was drunk, but I was still an asshole and needed someone to tell me. So I needed to build a support group to hold me accountable, tell me the truth, and be in my corner. True friends have been instrumental in me getting sober in the first place but more importantly, keeping the sobriety streak alive for so long. And it extended beyond alcohol to living a more conscious life. 

There's no doubt that quitting drinking has been good for me. So, now I ask…

What changes can you make?

Change is hard, but nothing good comes easy. Do you have a soft addiction, something that you overdo or use for something other than its intended purpose? Something you use to avoid your feelings and avoid other areas of your life? I encourage you to think deep about why you feel the need to use a soft addiction as a crutch. Take control of it, and take back control of your life. 

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